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Jul 2, 2022·edited Jul 2, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

Someone close to me said: “Well, make sure you look after your mental health. We don’t want you to walk around and steal a baby from a pram.”

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I feel less alone, knowing that others have similar experiences. Sending lots of strength and love x

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Jul 2, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

I know it is difficult to say the right thing, and people who I love and who I know love me have said hurtful things to me while I was trying. And then some people just spoke bluntly, insensitively and sometimes unforgivably stupid words.

One girlfriend said, if it’s not meant to be women should accept it and not keep trying, because it was “unnatural”... I was pregnant at the time after an ectopic pregnancy and two rounds of IVF, so I could take it. We are no longer friends.

One woman, pregnant with her fourth child, said to me she felt without children, women were not really women. She didn’t know my struggles but nonetheless… I was deeply affected by this comment even though I knew it was silly and misguided and plain stupid. It still spoke to my deepest fears. We never became friends.

My best friend, who had two kids before I ever had one, didn’t say very much at all. She gave me a book (because we always give each other books) of essays called “Woman without child.” In a way it was the opposite of the previous comment, since she was basically saying, a woman without child is still a woman. And yet I was hurt. I did not want to be a woman without child. To be fair, she also gave me a book about fertility treatment. We are still best friends.

The worst comments for me were very public words, in a speech by a celebrated German writer, Sibylle Lewitscharoff, speaking In Dresden in 2014. She considered fertility treatment of all kinds abominable and called children conceived through IVF “half beings”. No idea what her problem was, and I was relieved to read widespread criticism of her speech. But again, I was very much affected. I have never read her books and I never will. I feel like having my children through IVF, having lost two to ectopic pregnancy and never having the third child I would have loved to have has made me a different person. My skin will forever be so much thinner. My heart will forever be heavy. I am a different kind of mother as a result. Love to all you women out there who know what I mean, and it doesn’t matter whether you have had babies or not or not yet. Thank you for sharing!

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Jul 2, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

Thank you for talking about this. From medical professionals to family, I’ve had the insensitive comments. The worst for me was the friend who sent an unrequested bump progression photo. She knew about my miscarriage. Our babies would have been 6 weeks apart. I couldn’t reply but it put me in a bad place for a while.

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Jul 2, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

Love reading your weekly ‘trying…’ emails - so much resounds with me. I’ve found the rage after my recent loss (Olive was born sleeping at 22 weeks) has lead to a few instances of not biting my tongue. Thankfully no one has felt this wrath other than my husband who listens to me shout about something bothering me and inducing impotent rage! Previously I was not quite so opinionated so passionately…

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Jul 2, 2022·edited Jul 2, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

I’m currently childless not by choice and been trying naturally with my husband for just over a year. I’ve had similar insensitive comments made at work - Christmas holiday rota asking for time off - “well it’s not quite the same for you is it?” Implying I was being selfish to want to spend time with my family like everyone else! Or worse the patronising “I don’t think you know the meaning of ‘real love’ until you have kids” - yes you’re right I’m a baron husk incapable of love! Then there’s the well intended but ostracising “I didn’t think you’d want to come, its going to be screaming kids and mum chat so probably not your thing.” It’s just a constant game of barbed bingo out there!

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Jul 3, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

At the funeral of my fourteen-year-old son, following his death from a rare cancer, my daughter stood looking wretched and confused. She stood between the graves of her two brothers. Our profoundly disabled son had died aged five some years earlier. Seeing my daughter’s distraught face, our next door neighbour remarked, “Cheer up girl! It may never happen…”

I have long since ceased to be shocked by insensitive comments, however breathtakingly crass and unthinking they may be.

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Jul 3, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

For me, Doctors have been the worse. At the Early Pregnancy Unit with my second miscarriage in 6 months, the Doctor told me it was my fault for testing too early as it would have been better not to have known I was pregnant… said during the internal exam and after telling her I was taking progesterone and had tested when told to to see if I needed to continue taking it.

When I asked whether it was likely to be the same cause as my first, albeit later, miscarriage she replied with a wry smile and said ‘if you want to call this a miscarriage’… it was devastating and such a cruel thing to say as it denied my experience and my grief.

The NHS psychotherapist who came to the conclusion that my sadness about my five miscarriages apparently comes from the fact I feel like a miscarried child myself due to my relationship with my mother - a conclusion she reached after a single 45 minute session. There was me just thinking it is just intrinsically sad to lose five babies…

She also asked my why I felt ‘entitled’ to these babies…

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Jul 2, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

It’s pants really isnt it. I can’t think of a better word. I have built resilience up around more general comments, but it’s the ones that come after you’ve really opened up for once, tried to share just a tiny piece of your world and you get a comment back like that. It just makes you feel all kinds of lonely. It’s why I enjoy this space so much, it feels more open and genuine than many of my real world friendships. Don’t get me wrong, my friends are wonderful people, I know they love me, but there’s more chance of me conceiving naturally as there is them understanding how it feels! Xxxx

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Jul 2, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

I recognise this so well. My example when years ago we also were going through secondary infertility (apart from the constant comments implying we were ungrateful as we had a child already 🫤): we went to see the fertility clinic counsellor, having to bring our toddler son with us too. He is fidgety (as toddlers are) and she shot him a mean look and said ‘I’ve had four children and they don’t behave like that’. Thirteen years later, I still rage at the thought of that comment and how utterly unprofessional and harmful it was!

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Jul 2, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

I know this is not the same but I thought it might make you smile. Post mastectomy - 8 days later the whole enormity hit me and i was crying and feeling sorry for myself - my mother rang. She asked how I was doing .. I sobbed continually and told her I wasn’t having a good day. Her response …. “pull yourself together it’s not like you lost a limb or something”. The counsellor I spoke to said it’s because she couldn’t cope with me being so upset. Some years later i told my sister. We laugh about it now!

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Jul 3, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

Attended the clinic with family member who was about to have chemotherapy followed by stem cell transplant and they managed to save a small number of embryos. She is 27. We are delighted! I did see you there and wanted to say "hello" but I did not want to invade your space! Thank you for sharing and writing about your experiences which makes us feel like this is all okay as even well known people have this happen and have to worry if they can get help. We feel a sense kinship with you. Amazing lady! Respect.

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Jul 2, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

My 'favourites' include... "Well if it's meant to be..." !?! Yes that included my MIL (who also has a different name ending for me because in her cultural heritage I'm not real family until I've provided heirs).

Don't get me started on whether God is on board with my plans or not! FFS!

But also the clangers from medical professionals, such as...

GPs...

"You just need to relax and it will happen when you stop trying so hard."

"If you don't do IVF you'll regret it, so you should beg, borrow or steal to make it happen." Yeah said just after I'd explained my fear for my mental health and getting into debt to an extent I'd struggle to support a child if I was lucky enough to succeed.

"You need to stop worrying about your endometriosis because it will stop when you get pregnant." There's your cure people!!

From the (OUH) Fertility Clinic...

"There is nothing wrong with you so it's unexplained, we recommend full IVF and can do you a 3for2 deal if you sign up today."

This was just after the std initial blood & sperm tests, with no further tests but a slight concern that because my husband worked in IT we might not be doing it enough...?!

Then GP insisted on a hycosy exam which revealed an issue with an ovary, leading to surgery where severe endo & fibroids were found.

Since then the gaslighting continues with just whether endo & fibroids are an issue because as a male GP once told me, "endo isn't very painful, do you think the pain might be in your head and the issue is really your infertility?"

Despite saying my health is more important to me than motherhood.

All happened in parallel to a brush with bowel cancer and removal of a benign but potentially pre-cancerous tumour and resurgence of symptoms which they now just write off as endo.

Honestly after 7 years trying & 2 post-trying I'm working hard to be well and realise "how lucky you are not to have kids"...

Suppose it does mean I can excel at drinking games ;D

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Jul 2, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

Please will you write a piece about the most helpful and appropriate things to say. Would be useful to those of us who have, in the past, meant well but may well have inadvertently upset someone.

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Again, thank you Emma for putting into words how you feel against such comments and insensitivity. Though ive not gone through what you have it's really eye opening to read just a glimpse of the impact our words have. Your example of the 'tough love' from a loved one really rang home in my own way and im grateful to have read this ❤️

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Jul 2, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

Thanks for sharing this Emma; it provides a lot of comfort. A close family member recently said to me that “I was in a good position” as I’m only 30. This is after three plus years of trying, one round of IVF failing and one round ending in miscarriage. I replied “I didn’t feel like I was in a good position”. 😂

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Jul 2, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett

Thanks Emma, you show such amazing resilience and strength in all your posts. I found some of the hardest encounters were people saying stupid/crass/smug/insensitive things ... on the TV or the radio. Sometimes fictional characters. So you can't even respond or give them the eyebrow....

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