Trying with Emma Barnett is a reader-supported publication. To support my work you can become a paid subscriber for £6 a month. I love music. It is my medicine. Always has been. Always will be. Nowhere was this more evident than a few weeks ago when I went to see the the mighty Sister Bliss of Faithless in a London park. She pounded my ears and entered my heart. Again.
Jul 9, 2022·edited Jul 9, 2022Liked by Emma Barnett
Music is often the only thing that protects sanity during hard times. On repeat. And loud.
My husband often didn’t know what to say to me after our miscarriage a few months ago. He then found Ryan Adams’ “I Love but I don’t know what to say”, and sent it me. It’s such a beautiful song….
A couple I’ve often leant on have been “Walk” by the Foo Fighters, as well as Anna Nalick’s “Wreck of the Day”…. And a good few others that currently escape me.
I wrote a little song in my head to my lost baby and sang it to myself while crying in the shower.
I randomly heard a song on the radio called ‘It isn’t gonna be that way’ by Steve Forbet, which felt stoic and wise and peaceful. And I listened to Harry Styles’ first album, especially Two Ghosts, which epitomised the emotional emptiness, even though you’re outwardly standing and trying to get on with life.
My miscarriage was exactly 5 years ago, and life grows layers around it, but to listen to that music takes me right back there.
Yes to this! I do think music speaks to the part of the soul which are hurting hardest in dark times. I found this too, and found certain songs that I would play over and over in the depths of multiple miscarriages.
One song in particular, which I can’t really listen to now because it opens up the pain, was Call of the Void by Geiz. Which I found by accident, but sort of ended curating a playlist around. It totally spoke to the void, loss, grief I couldn’t articulate.
Thank yo u for sharing, and normalising and representing something so little talked about. And I’m so sorry for your loss too 🌸
I had a similar experience with Adele’s concert at Hyde Park last weekend. Transformative, lifting, transcending me out of the myopic nature of the all consuming IVF. Makes you feel alive and in touch with yourself which I think we so often switch ourselves off to when we’re in treatment.
I am writing this just after midnight on the day of my procedure, having found out at a 9 week scan a week ago that the baby that was there previously - growing and with a heartbeat - had suddenly stopped in its tracks. I feel like I’m living parallel lives in all senses: knowing I’ve not been pregnant for a week, but with a body that has thought it was; shattered but unable to sleep; able to be completely distracted by work, but then at times suddenly floored by pain; calm, logical and rational, understanding the science, but at the same time angry that after 3 full rounds of IVF and getting so far, it was all so unfairly taken away.
I have always loved music and found it to be such a comfort - except in the last week. Nothing’s landing with me. Perhaps it’s just because I have been in stasis, waiting for the next phase in this interminably staged process. Maybe because it’s because I don’t want to connect with anything emotionally because it will take me down a rabbit hole that I’m not ready for. Whatever the reason, I am hoping that after today’s milestone, I can reconnect with music and start moving forward again. I think I’ll give it a go tomorrow night: pick a good playlist and then stuff my face with some runny unpasteurised cheese, cured meats, and fine wine.
Music is often the only thing that protects sanity during hard times. On repeat. And loud.
My husband often didn’t know what to say to me after our miscarriage a few months ago. He then found Ryan Adams’ “I Love but I don’t know what to say”, and sent it me. It’s such a beautiful song….
A couple I’ve often leant on have been “Walk” by the Foo Fighters, as well as Anna Nalick’s “Wreck of the Day”…. And a good few others that currently escape me.
I wrote a little song in my head to my lost baby and sang it to myself while crying in the shower.
No one knows that. Apart from all of you, now….
Much love to all here x
Thanks for sharing. I also got a care package of soft cheese, wine and cured meat, the day after my miscarriage. Dark humour for the win. Much love xx
I randomly heard a song on the radio called ‘It isn’t gonna be that way’ by Steve Forbet, which felt stoic and wise and peaceful. And I listened to Harry Styles’ first album, especially Two Ghosts, which epitomised the emotional emptiness, even though you’re outwardly standing and trying to get on with life.
My miscarriage was exactly 5 years ago, and life grows layers around it, but to listen to that music takes me right back there.
Yes to this! I do think music speaks to the part of the soul which are hurting hardest in dark times. I found this too, and found certain songs that I would play over and over in the depths of multiple miscarriages.
One song in particular, which I can’t really listen to now because it opens up the pain, was Call of the Void by Geiz. Which I found by accident, but sort of ended curating a playlist around. It totally spoke to the void, loss, grief I couldn’t articulate.
Thank yo u for sharing, and normalising and representing something so little talked about. And I’m so sorry for your loss too 🌸
I had a similar experience with Adele’s concert at Hyde Park last weekend. Transformative, lifting, transcending me out of the myopic nature of the all consuming IVF. Makes you feel alive and in touch with yourself which I think we so often switch ourselves off to when we’re in treatment.
Thank you again for your honesty and sharing. X
I am writing this just after midnight on the day of my procedure, having found out at a 9 week scan a week ago that the baby that was there previously - growing and with a heartbeat - had suddenly stopped in its tracks. I feel like I’m living parallel lives in all senses: knowing I’ve not been pregnant for a week, but with a body that has thought it was; shattered but unable to sleep; able to be completely distracted by work, but then at times suddenly floored by pain; calm, logical and rational, understanding the science, but at the same time angry that after 3 full rounds of IVF and getting so far, it was all so unfairly taken away.
I have always loved music and found it to be such a comfort - except in the last week. Nothing’s landing with me. Perhaps it’s just because I have been in stasis, waiting for the next phase in this interminably staged process. Maybe because it’s because I don’t want to connect with anything emotionally because it will take me down a rabbit hole that I’m not ready for. Whatever the reason, I am hoping that after today’s milestone, I can reconnect with music and start moving forward again. I think I’ll give it a go tomorrow night: pick a good playlist and then stuff my face with some runny unpasteurised cheese, cured meats, and fine wine.