I now have a difficult relationship with hope. It was not something I had thought about prior to a life of trying and failing to have babies. Even prior to getting doctors involved the first (and only) time around, those two and half years were filled with the stuff. Or rather false hope.
Hope! The complexity of it. I hope I am offering Hope with these words- 15 years ago after 2 miscarriages and 2 failed ivf’s, consultant advising me to use surrogate eggs, drs telling me that I had few eggs remaining and my husbands sperms were low in number and had failed to rock up to swim club, I conceived son number 1 ( now 12). My second son arrived a mere 20 months later, and I call him my last good egg- as a genuinely think he was. Hard work, lifestyle shifts, ignoring the experts and above all hope, got me those wonderful boys. Trust in you. I Hope my journey offers others hope when theirs is fading. In the words of the wisest bear of all - you are stronger than you think.
At the end of my journey to motherhood, I worried I would feel broken, as it turns out, I felt like a warrior. I had proved them all wrong. Hope on.
Every attempt, every transfer, I try to ‘not get my hopes up’ - not start imagining, or dreaming, because I know chances are against me. But it never works - when the answer is a negative, it’s still completely crushing…. So should I just let myself hope more? Enjoy the ‘maybe’?
I don’t know if you came across the acronym ‘PUPO’ in the IVF forums? There are so many acronyms that we all learn so quickly, but ‘pregnant until proven otherwise’ was always a step too far for me. I could never consider myself that , because it make the loss that much worse.
Isn’t “hoping against hope” a really strange phrase?
But yes, without the hope we could never go on. Without hoping we are the ones to beat the statistics, none of us would do any of this, would we? Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.
I 100% agree. The most difficult thing about IVF is the dashed hopes at the end of a failed cycle or miscarriage. People tell you that your mind-set is so important and yet it’s so difficult to balance being hopeful after an embryo transfer, with managing your expectations.
I’ve always been pessimistic, I’ve always been slightly afraid of hope, so never dare go there. I’ve learnt to live with that. But does anyone else find the weight of the hopes of others on our behalf just crushing! My partner is the hopeful one between us and watching his hopes get smashed over and over hit me so hard xx
I had a lot of hope about a year ago now, before I embarked on my first round of IVF. The first transfer failed and the second ended in early miscarriage. I have severe endometriosis only diagnosed two years after my daughter was born. She is 4 now and the hope for a sibling seems to be fading further and further away. We are about to star round number two in a couple of weeks, but part of me is already thinking what’s the point it’s obviously not going to work. There must be a very small amount of hope buried away somewhere as I don’t think I could go through with it if their wasn’t. All your posts have touched upon feelings and thoughts that I go through most days. Thank you so much for speaking out as it can be such an isolating journey. Wishing you all the luck with your journey xx
I'm always holding onto hope but starting to loose in hope ... its been a very long journey and still no baby. I do get anxious because of treatment and my work. How have you or anyone coped with going through treatment and work? When I did the treatment I went into work still had the times off for treatment and rest after procedures and they were taken out of my holiday entailment and had sick days which I was happy to do. I realised I need a break from work I'm so drained and not actually had a holiday because its all been on treatment . I've asked for a week off boss said yes. Great.. but now I'm having dowt as I know the hospital is going to call to day start treatment soon and I've only got a only a couple of holiday entailment left. To I hold back on this break that I need and keep more holiday entailment for treatment or do what my body and brain is telling me and have it off and when it comes ro treatment use my last few holiday entailment and owe my boss time back if I need more time off for tremenet and done have any more holidays left. It's a nightmare all my holidays go on treatment and I just want to have some normal routine and have a break from work.. I work really long hours. Hope is just not happening for me.
Oh Emma you articulate feelings on hope so beautifully. Thank you. Just yesterday I was speaking about hope to my mum, the eternal optimist, who always tells me to have hope. Yesterday in the context of me being day 2 post-op, my second surgery to remove endometriosis. She wants me to believe that it is all gone and never coming back. I explained to her with tears streaming down my face how hard that is for me, that the trauma of the pain and loss because of endo leaves me hopeless but I will try to hope. Your article couldn’t come at a better time for me. Thank you.
Keep hoping! As someone said to me when I was trying to achieve a very different goal that seemed elusive for years, 'the only people that don't make it are those that give up'. I achieved that goal (becoming a pilot, specifically flying jumbo-jets, a dream I had harboured since I was ten years old) and we will achieve this goal too, one way or another...
Thank you for sharing. You are right about hope being the thing that sustains you through IVF. You’ve got to believe you might be one of those happy-ever after cases. Otherwise, it can feel so grim with failure after failure and no sight of a positive test after years. But, then you get a good embryo and you think, this is it (it only takes one!) and then it doesn’t work. But, ok next time - that could be the one. And so on!
Hope! The complexity of it. I hope I am offering Hope with these words- 15 years ago after 2 miscarriages and 2 failed ivf’s, consultant advising me to use surrogate eggs, drs telling me that I had few eggs remaining and my husbands sperms were low in number and had failed to rock up to swim club, I conceived son number 1 ( now 12). My second son arrived a mere 20 months later, and I call him my last good egg- as a genuinely think he was. Hard work, lifestyle shifts, ignoring the experts and above all hope, got me those wonderful boys. Trust in you. I Hope my journey offers others hope when theirs is fading. In the words of the wisest bear of all - you are stronger than you think.
At the end of my journey to motherhood, I worried I would feel broken, as it turns out, I felt like a warrior. I had proved them all wrong. Hope on.
Very well said.
Every attempt, every transfer, I try to ‘not get my hopes up’ - not start imagining, or dreaming, because I know chances are against me. But it never works - when the answer is a negative, it’s still completely crushing…. So should I just let myself hope more? Enjoy the ‘maybe’?
I don’t know if you came across the acronym ‘PUPO’ in the IVF forums? There are so many acronyms that we all learn so quickly, but ‘pregnant until proven otherwise’ was always a step too far for me. I could never consider myself that , because it make the loss that much worse.
Isn’t “hoping against hope” a really strange phrase?
But yes, without the hope we could never go on. Without hoping we are the ones to beat the statistics, none of us would do any of this, would we? Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.
I 100% agree. The most difficult thing about IVF is the dashed hopes at the end of a failed cycle or miscarriage. People tell you that your mind-set is so important and yet it’s so difficult to balance being hopeful after an embryo transfer, with managing your expectations.
I’ve always been pessimistic, I’ve always been slightly afraid of hope, so never dare go there. I’ve learnt to live with that. But does anyone else find the weight of the hopes of others on our behalf just crushing! My partner is the hopeful one between us and watching his hopes get smashed over and over hit me so hard xx
I had a lot of hope about a year ago now, before I embarked on my first round of IVF. The first transfer failed and the second ended in early miscarriage. I have severe endometriosis only diagnosed two years after my daughter was born. She is 4 now and the hope for a sibling seems to be fading further and further away. We are about to star round number two in a couple of weeks, but part of me is already thinking what’s the point it’s obviously not going to work. There must be a very small amount of hope buried away somewhere as I don’t think I could go through with it if their wasn’t. All your posts have touched upon feelings and thoughts that I go through most days. Thank you so much for speaking out as it can be such an isolating journey. Wishing you all the luck with your journey xx
I'm always holding onto hope but starting to loose in hope ... its been a very long journey and still no baby. I do get anxious because of treatment and my work. How have you or anyone coped with going through treatment and work? When I did the treatment I went into work still had the times off for treatment and rest after procedures and they were taken out of my holiday entailment and had sick days which I was happy to do. I realised I need a break from work I'm so drained and not actually had a holiday because its all been on treatment . I've asked for a week off boss said yes. Great.. but now I'm having dowt as I know the hospital is going to call to day start treatment soon and I've only got a only a couple of holiday entailment left. To I hold back on this break that I need and keep more holiday entailment for treatment or do what my body and brain is telling me and have it off and when it comes ro treatment use my last few holiday entailment and owe my boss time back if I need more time off for tremenet and done have any more holidays left. It's a nightmare all my holidays go on treatment and I just want to have some normal routine and have a break from work.. I work really long hours. Hope is just not happening for me.
Oh Emma you articulate feelings on hope so beautifully. Thank you. Just yesterday I was speaking about hope to my mum, the eternal optimist, who always tells me to have hope. Yesterday in the context of me being day 2 post-op, my second surgery to remove endometriosis. She wants me to believe that it is all gone and never coming back. I explained to her with tears streaming down my face how hard that is for me, that the trauma of the pain and loss because of endo leaves me hopeless but I will try to hope. Your article couldn’t come at a better time for me. Thank you.
After yet more bad news yesterday, I told my husband what you had written about hope. He immediately said '"Hope" is the thing with feathers'. Turns out that is a rather beautiful little poem by Emily Dickinson - go read it here https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/42889/hope-is-the-thing-with-feathers-314
Keep hoping! As someone said to me when I was trying to achieve a very different goal that seemed elusive for years, 'the only people that don't make it are those that give up'. I achieved that goal (becoming a pilot, specifically flying jumbo-jets, a dream I had harboured since I was ten years old) and we will achieve this goal too, one way or another...
Thank you for sharing. You are right about hope being the thing that sustains you through IVF. You’ve got to believe you might be one of those happy-ever after cases. Otherwise, it can feel so grim with failure after failure and no sight of a positive test after years. But, then you get a good embryo and you think, this is it (it only takes one!) and then it doesn’t work. But, ok next time - that could be the one. And so on!
Beautifully put. Keep hoping x
Exactly. 💛