I don't know the answer to your question. Though I imagine probably not.
And I spend my life listening to women, it is my raisin d'etre as a psychotherapist. And it's absolutely crucial to really listen and not be formulating a response. Sitting back in the chair is a really good way to stay present with the other person.
I really work to do this in my everyday too.
I love this Emma. How brilliant to know that you are bringing this awareness of really listening to radio.
Really interesting thoughts about listening, silence and sense of humour. I’m sure there’s research out there that proves that women do more listening than men and yes of course women have an equal, if not better sense of humour 🤣 If only to get us through all the things we have to deal with in life
Aah the painful pause... well done for holding it, that is SO hard!! I learnt an awful lot about listening when I trained in coaching psychology. The biggest difference I noticed was at home - I started listening to my children in a different way. When I asked how their school day was I stopped pretending to listen to what I had perhaps previously perceived as banalities, whilst allowing my mind to continue focusing on my own 'important' adult world. I actually listened. It was quite a revelation. Great post x
Unfortunately not everyone possesses this ability, I have found. I worked for a local authority for 10 years (a long time ago) & being a woman in a man’s world wasn’t always conducive to being listened to.
Another skill of listening is not to switch off or let your mind wander and to process what the person is saying to be able to ask an appropriate question or make an intelligent comment when the person you are listening to stops talking.
Humans are pretty atrocious at listening full stop and being as active listening is not a valued skill which we receive much - if at all any ?! - instruction in, I’d say it tracks then that gender is a massive unconscious trigger to confirmation bias and expectancy bias. Kate Murphy’s book ‘You’re not listening’ whilst not exploring gendered listening differences specifically, is a really thoughtful enquiry into the complexities of hearing & how impactful it is to feel heard.
This is a fascinating topic. Thank you for raising it Emma. Sometimes people speak to be heard and at other times they are genuinely keen to debate an issue or explore a topic. If the latter, they will naturally gravitate towards listening. I think confidence has a lot to do with it. If you are confident of who you are and comfortable with it you are more open to listening. Then of course you have to layer everything else on top - gender, education, situation, culture etc. I think the male/female element can be one factor to how you listen (or not) but it is rarely the only story..
“Do men hear women the same as men?” I think it depends on the context and situations. Conditioning also plays a part; is it changing? Is it different amongst different generations? Are we talking about the workplace, or social situations? What about in relationships whether familial, intimate or friendships? Your question raised so many more questions and opens up more issues to be pondered upon.
So interesting. Silence for me always tricky. Not wanting people to feel uneasy ( !) but I’m getting better at it.
Appreciate your making the point about older listeners - I’m in that category and have to fight this behaviour but then I’m often left with no response!
Reading Middlemarch at present I’m struck by just how much conversation went on and how acutely observant and understanding she was of the to and fro.
A particularly interesting piece by Emma, because it goes to the heart of the question whether women and men listen differently; or whether human beings, irrespective of gender, ethnicity, education, and work, have a large range of capabilities for listening...similarly as human beings show a large range of capabilities for sport, dance, art, movement.
Of course, there will be a small number of topics, especially where there is a physical difference between female and male roles and experience, where females are likely to listen more carefully than males.
I love your question Emma. I've often had the feeling, within my profession of psychology, that men are listened to differently - held as a voice of authority more than women. I often feel dismissed when I speak. It's one of the reason's I write - people seem to listen differently to the words on the page. Which also leads me to wonder whether there is something in my verbal delivery that unconsciously communicates 'don't take me seriously'. I'm not confident with eye contact, I probably smile too much, try to hard to be likeable and appeasing - do I undermine my own message as I deliver it? Are we conditioned to do this as women? These are fascinating questions and I shall continue to ponder....
I get really frustrated when I have a conversation with my husband and he responds to what he THINKS I've said rather than what I ACTUALLY said, so maybe it is a male/female thing?
So interesting. Yes I think there is a divide and a difference between the ability of men and women to listen. I have male friends - well, perhaps the husbands of good friends - who know very little about what I actually do because they never choose to ask. As a journalist I’m a pro at listening but @emmasimpson’s comment about listening to her children made me realise I may not have been a pro at that. Too much more exciting work stuff going on in my head. And that makes me feel quite sad as they are now grown up and away at university.
Thank you, interesting to read, especially after the last week... The Authority Gap by Mary Ann Seighart is interesting on the differences in how men and women are heard. Generally people think about communication in terms of speaking - listening gets rather overlooked as a skill.
Something I’m starting to notice, as a solitary cafe goer and thus eavesdropper, is how often the conversational ground gets moved by one party. They may listen and wait for the person to finish, but rather than explore what the speaker said, the listener uses a fact or an aspect as a launchpad for a topic they want to talk about. It can be like watching a gymnast do a brilliant complex somersault... but is it a dialogue? Or merely parallel play?
Most men don’t , in my experience, though I do have a friend, in his late 70s, who has a definite feminine side (I don’t mean he’s camp, far from it) and he can think like a woman..
I don't know the answer to your question. Though I imagine probably not.
And I spend my life listening to women, it is my raisin d'etre as a psychotherapist. And it's absolutely crucial to really listen and not be formulating a response. Sitting back in the chair is a really good way to stay present with the other person.
I really work to do this in my everyday too.
I love this Emma. How brilliant to know that you are bringing this awareness of really listening to radio.
Thanks
Sarah
Trying….
Really interesting thoughts about listening, silence and sense of humour. I’m sure there’s research out there that proves that women do more listening than men and yes of course women have an equal, if not better sense of humour 🤣 If only to get us through all the things we have to deal with in life
We need it!
Aah the painful pause... well done for holding it, that is SO hard!! I learnt an awful lot about listening when I trained in coaching psychology. The biggest difference I noticed was at home - I started listening to my children in a different way. When I asked how their school day was I stopped pretending to listen to what I had perhaps previously perceived as banalities, whilst allowing my mind to continue focusing on my own 'important' adult world. I actually listened. It was quite a revelation. Great post x
It’s a great example x
Listening is such an important skill. Totally agree with you.
Unfortunately not everyone possesses this ability, I have found. I worked for a local authority for 10 years (a long time ago) & being a woman in a man’s world wasn’t always conducive to being listened to.
Another skill of listening is not to switch off or let your mind wander and to process what the person is saying to be able to ask an appropriate question or make an intelligent comment when the person you are listening to stops talking.
This is something that you, Emma, do very well.
Humans are pretty atrocious at listening full stop and being as active listening is not a valued skill which we receive much - if at all any ?! - instruction in, I’d say it tracks then that gender is a massive unconscious trigger to confirmation bias and expectancy bias. Kate Murphy’s book ‘You’re not listening’ whilst not exploring gendered listening differences specifically, is a really thoughtful enquiry into the complexities of hearing & how impactful it is to feel heard.
This is a fascinating topic. Thank you for raising it Emma. Sometimes people speak to be heard and at other times they are genuinely keen to debate an issue or explore a topic. If the latter, they will naturally gravitate towards listening. I think confidence has a lot to do with it. If you are confident of who you are and comfortable with it you are more open to listening. Then of course you have to layer everything else on top - gender, education, situation, culture etc. I think the male/female element can be one factor to how you listen (or not) but it is rarely the only story..
“Do men hear women the same as men?” I think it depends on the context and situations. Conditioning also plays a part; is it changing? Is it different amongst different generations? Are we talking about the workplace, or social situations? What about in relationships whether familial, intimate or friendships? Your question raised so many more questions and opens up more issues to be pondered upon.
So interesting. Silence for me always tricky. Not wanting people to feel uneasy ( !) but I’m getting better at it.
Appreciate your making the point about older listeners - I’m in that category and have to fight this behaviour but then I’m often left with no response!
Reading Middlemarch at present I’m struck by just how much conversation went on and how acutely observant and understanding she was of the to and fro.
A particularly interesting piece by Emma, because it goes to the heart of the question whether women and men listen differently; or whether human beings, irrespective of gender, ethnicity, education, and work, have a large range of capabilities for listening...similarly as human beings show a large range of capabilities for sport, dance, art, movement.
Of course, there will be a small number of topics, especially where there is a physical difference between female and male roles and experience, where females are likely to listen more carefully than males.
I love your question Emma. I've often had the feeling, within my profession of psychology, that men are listened to differently - held as a voice of authority more than women. I often feel dismissed when I speak. It's one of the reason's I write - people seem to listen differently to the words on the page. Which also leads me to wonder whether there is something in my verbal delivery that unconsciously communicates 'don't take me seriously'. I'm not confident with eye contact, I probably smile too much, try to hard to be likeable and appeasing - do I undermine my own message as I deliver it? Are we conditioned to do this as women? These are fascinating questions and I shall continue to ponder....
Really interesting!
I get really frustrated when I have a conversation with my husband and he responds to what he THINKS I've said rather than what I ACTUALLY said, so maybe it is a male/female thing?
Happens a lot on air too…
So interesting. Yes I think there is a divide and a difference between the ability of men and women to listen. I have male friends - well, perhaps the husbands of good friends - who know very little about what I actually do because they never choose to ask. As a journalist I’m a pro at listening but @emmasimpson’s comment about listening to her children made me realise I may not have been a pro at that. Too much more exciting work stuff going on in my head. And that makes me feel quite sad as they are now grown up and away at university.
Thank you, interesting to read, especially after the last week... The Authority Gap by Mary Ann Seighart is interesting on the differences in how men and women are heard. Generally people think about communication in terms of speaking - listening gets rather overlooked as a skill.
Something I’m starting to notice, as a solitary cafe goer and thus eavesdropper, is how often the conversational ground gets moved by one party. They may listen and wait for the person to finish, but rather than explore what the speaker said, the listener uses a fact or an aspect as a launchpad for a topic they want to talk about. It can be like watching a gymnast do a brilliant complex somersault... but is it a dialogue? Or merely parallel play?
Most men don’t , in my experience, though I do have a friend, in his late 70s, who has a definite feminine side (I don’t mean he’s camp, far from it) and he can think like a woman..