How are you? Three little words that too often fail in their mission. Because we traditionally place that question right at the start of a conversation or meeting - it rarely elicits the truth. We gloss over it or lie immediately, saying whatever banal response comes to mind that won’t disrupt the rhythm of polite greetings. An important question is rendered pointless, throttled to death by pleasantries.
When I did my shiatsu training many years ago we were taught that most people reply 'fine' when asked how they're doing.
In addition we were taught to think of the word 'fine' as an acronym 'F.I.N.E' which stands for
-fucked up
-insecure
-neurotic &
-emotional
We need to listen to all the other clues such as tone and body language rather than just words before seeing how open someone is to discussing their true state
And I agree, Emma, don't ask how they are unless you really want to hear the answer.
I especially love that you pointed out the preparedness of the questioner. I work in perinatal mental health and for some of the ladies I see, them knowing that I’m there specifically to listen, not to fix, cure, contradict or anything like that really helps them answer ‘how you are’ more honestly. It’s their time and space. Also love the tip of asking once people have warmed up xxx
I get asked this all the time by well meaning friends, but find it so hard to answer that I just don’t reply. One of the perils of WhatsApp as you say. If I’m asked in person, the emotion on my face is sometimes easier to understand than being able to put it in words.
After my last treatment my family didn't even know how to ask how I was and asked my mother how I was and listened to her instead of coming to me. Now when asking how iam, they still don't want to believe that I'm ok atm. They are so focused on how me and my husband were when treatment failed, they are being very judgemental.
And in work I'm having big problems with the boss about my work and treatment, my have to leave my work
Being widowed, I have often used the response "Today? I'm OK".
Tomorrow, who knows. Yesterday I really wasn't. But if I'm able to speak then I'm probably OK.. Today.
When I did my shiatsu training many years ago we were taught that most people reply 'fine' when asked how they're doing.
In addition we were taught to think of the word 'fine' as an acronym 'F.I.N.E' which stands for
-fucked up
-insecure
-neurotic &
-emotional
We need to listen to all the other clues such as tone and body language rather than just words before seeing how open someone is to discussing their true state
And I agree, Emma, don't ask how they are unless you really want to hear the answer.
I especially love that you pointed out the preparedness of the questioner. I work in perinatal mental health and for some of the ladies I see, them knowing that I’m there specifically to listen, not to fix, cure, contradict or anything like that really helps them answer ‘how you are’ more honestly. It’s their time and space. Also love the tip of asking once people have warmed up xxx
I get asked this all the time by well meaning friends, but find it so hard to answer that I just don’t reply. One of the perils of WhatsApp as you say. If I’m asked in person, the emotion on my face is sometimes easier to understand than being able to put it in words.
After my last treatment my family didn't even know how to ask how I was and asked my mother how I was and listened to her instead of coming to me. Now when asking how iam, they still don't want to believe that I'm ok atm. They are so focused on how me and my husband were when treatment failed, they are being very judgemental.
And in work I'm having big problems with the boss about my work and treatment, my have to leave my work