The first night of my very first injection of my very first round of IVF, I was hosting an awards ceremony. The last thing I felt like doing was going to the loo, fumbling with some needles and figuring out how on earth to inject myself. And yet that evening, the lovely woman helping me on stage with handing out awards to the right people, became a helper off stage and is still in my life five years on.
I can’t tell you how important that episode was for me. Thank you! A complete turning point in my fertility journey.
Still on the treadmill however and have had a few IVF fairy’s but they have left me now with pregnancies and babies of their own. It’s an uncomfortable feeling being left on the shelf for what’s seems like for the countless time. Trying to navigate that new feeling. Reading things like this really help x
I had my son in my late 40s via IVF. My much longed for only child. I am forever grateful and appreciate these 6 years that we have had together more than any other period of time in my life. I am too old to have a sibling for him, so whilst it isn't secondary infertility, the pain is real. And of course people (who have never suffered with infertility) are quick to point out that at least I have one and that was more than I hoped for. True of course, but it doesn't mean I don't envy those who managed to have a sibling and that I don't feel guilty that he is an only child, or sad that I always wanted a big family. IVF Fairy is a great term. When you know, you know. x
Following my own Infertility saga, I now work as a peer support for our local perinatal mental health service, specialising in supporting those women who have fought to become pregnant or are still striving to become so. I’ve never thought as myself as a fairy before, but I like it!!
Many times I have felt that fertile people cannot comfort infertile people. Besides the hurtful comments some of them made (well, maybe it isn’t meant to be… maybe it is time you stopped … not everyone is meant to be a mother …), there are well meant comments that still make you want to scream at them that they nave NO IDEA! But I too have found IVF fairies - while going through it and afterwards - and the things they said just come from a different place. A place of understanding. Whatever the outcome, once you’ve been through it, you know. Two ectopic pregnancies, five rounds of IVF. I have two beautiful children, now 15 and 10, but I will always be the woman who couldn’t get and stay pregnant while everyone around me had babies. And this is the place I come from when I talk about infertility. Thank you for this platform, it is so so healing!
I totally agree that fertile people cannot comfort infertile, as there is a gulf of understanding. I’ve even experienced it with friends who’ve suffered multiple miscarriages, tortuous but a different form of trauma. I love the concept of having an IVF fairy, wish I’d had one and hope to be one to others in future.
Even in the privileged position I’m in as my beautiful little girl plays beside me, talking to women who seem to become pregnant without really trying still hurts and provokes worry about future efforts. I am so grateful to you and everyone else who shared their story, as it’s so easy to feel alone when you’re going through it. Thank you xx
Thank you Emma, your article and newsletter has sparked something in me and empowered me to open up and talk to others going through the fertility mill. I’ve always shared with close friends and am incredibly grateful for their support but since reading your article I’ve connected with a friend of a friend who has been through it and am feeling a sense of belonging and the loneliness seems to be dissipating. We’re 3 years in and it’s getting harder to hear friends fall pregnant so easily. But talking is helping. So thank you x
I don’t have an ivf fairy. I wish I did, but at the same time, having someone else going through it at the same time as you does make me mentally wary ‘they will get pregnant first’ - and whilst I’m going through the process of ivf, I need to focus on my own rollercoaster of emotions.
I do wish more women would share their ivf stories more openly though. It’s only when we get into the ‘community’ that there is that openness. I have started to talk about it more generally amongst my own friendship group but as they are not going through it, as you say, it’s much more difficult for them to relate but at least they ‘know’. And of course if they ever need to go through it I would like to think they can talk to me about it.
Thanks for always talking about these harder truths Emma and encouraging us to be more open in our discussions on this.
I’d love to find my IVF fairy, only problem is I can’t bring myself to talk about it with anybody. Just the other day my sister in law who has two children was talking about how they COULD have a third but didn’t want to, adding that my in laws (husband's parents) would love another grandchild, all the while knowing that I suffer from endometriosis and probably can’t have children myself. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, I just painfully nodded along and kept quiet. The hurt, resentment and sadness constantly welling up inside me.
Rage, disbelief, oil slick of horror. When I discovered my husbands 7 yr infidelity, instead of familiar and solid terrain, I found myself sinking into quicksand in every conceivable way. My rescue came in the form of 2 women who I could only call friendly acquaintances. They too had been dragged to the ‘upside down place’ and having salvaged their sanity and strength, paid it forward to me. Two years on, with good days and bad days, the unpeeling of 25 years continues. These sentinels continue to listen, lead by example and provide unflinching support at all hours. My guardian angels
I believe in fairy's. I have a breast cancer reconstruction fairy who came and visited me showing me her re-constructed boobs. It was such a help having never imagined I'd be in the same position. She's known very fondly in our house as double D deb as she elected to have bigger boobs following a mastectomy. She was just wonderful and super positive and supportive. Having got the t'shirt I'm a bcr fairy myself - flashed by boobs at several others since! It's good to share and I know how helpful it is. Well done Emma you're fab
I’m lucky enough to have two of my closest friends who have also been through IVF. We all have our own unique health issues of course, but the shorthand in conversations, not over explaining the difference between medicated and natural transfers, blastocysts, pessaries and injections... it’s easy and comforting. One of the two has had a beautiful boy, now 6mths, and the other is half way through her first pregnancy. Our friendships, as a result of our infertility, adapt and bend and change shape. I’m trying not to feel like the girl playing catch up but sometimes that’s hard. Like any friendships, they shift through the times, but our IVF fairies are a very special breed x
I have a private/anonymous IVF Instagram account to document my “journey” with infertility and support others. It was a lifeline during some dark days and I am very friendly with some of the girls who I was in touch with during the time I had an ectopic pregnancy. Two girls in particular were having miscarriages at the same time and we messaged a lot for several weeks, checking in with each other. Happily, we all have had a baby since those dark days but in the midst of it, you never know if it’s going to work out or not, and even though I have my babe in arms now, those times will never be forgotten.
Secondary infertility - endometriosis- partner low count - and nine years we tried- one marvellous son - now 22 - five to six rounds of ivf in top London clinic while working full time - so my advice looking back is you get through it- but in a way really take extra time to enjoy your one and only while you try if that happens - time goes so quickly and try to relax
I can’t tell you how important that episode was for me. Thank you! A complete turning point in my fertility journey.
Still on the treadmill however and have had a few IVF fairy’s but they have left me now with pregnancies and babies of their own. It’s an uncomfortable feeling being left on the shelf for what’s seems like for the countless time. Trying to navigate that new feeling. Reading things like this really help x
I had my son in my late 40s via IVF. My much longed for only child. I am forever grateful and appreciate these 6 years that we have had together more than any other period of time in my life. I am too old to have a sibling for him, so whilst it isn't secondary infertility, the pain is real. And of course people (who have never suffered with infertility) are quick to point out that at least I have one and that was more than I hoped for. True of course, but it doesn't mean I don't envy those who managed to have a sibling and that I don't feel guilty that he is an only child, or sad that I always wanted a big family. IVF Fairy is a great term. When you know, you know. x
Following my own Infertility saga, I now work as a peer support for our local perinatal mental health service, specialising in supporting those women who have fought to become pregnant or are still striving to become so. I’ve never thought as myself as a fairy before, but I like it!!
Many times I have felt that fertile people cannot comfort infertile people. Besides the hurtful comments some of them made (well, maybe it isn’t meant to be… maybe it is time you stopped … not everyone is meant to be a mother …), there are well meant comments that still make you want to scream at them that they nave NO IDEA! But I too have found IVF fairies - while going through it and afterwards - and the things they said just come from a different place. A place of understanding. Whatever the outcome, once you’ve been through it, you know. Two ectopic pregnancies, five rounds of IVF. I have two beautiful children, now 15 and 10, but I will always be the woman who couldn’t get and stay pregnant while everyone around me had babies. And this is the place I come from when I talk about infertility. Thank you for this platform, it is so so healing!
I totally agree that fertile people cannot comfort infertile, as there is a gulf of understanding. I’ve even experienced it with friends who’ve suffered multiple miscarriages, tortuous but a different form of trauma. I love the concept of having an IVF fairy, wish I’d had one and hope to be one to others in future.
Even in the privileged position I’m in as my beautiful little girl plays beside me, talking to women who seem to become pregnant without really trying still hurts and provokes worry about future efforts. I am so grateful to you and everyone else who shared their story, as it’s so easy to feel alone when you’re going through it. Thank you xx
Thank you Emma, your article and newsletter has sparked something in me and empowered me to open up and talk to others going through the fertility mill. I’ve always shared with close friends and am incredibly grateful for their support but since reading your article I’ve connected with a friend of a friend who has been through it and am feeling a sense of belonging and the loneliness seems to be dissipating. We’re 3 years in and it’s getting harder to hear friends fall pregnant so easily. But talking is helping. So thank you x
I love this article and the idea of an ivf fairy.
I don’t have an ivf fairy. I wish I did, but at the same time, having someone else going through it at the same time as you does make me mentally wary ‘they will get pregnant first’ - and whilst I’m going through the process of ivf, I need to focus on my own rollercoaster of emotions.
I do wish more women would share their ivf stories more openly though. It’s only when we get into the ‘community’ that there is that openness. I have started to talk about it more generally amongst my own friendship group but as they are not going through it, as you say, it’s much more difficult for them to relate but at least they ‘know’. And of course if they ever need to go through it I would like to think they can talk to me about it.
Thanks for always talking about these harder truths Emma and encouraging us to be more open in our discussions on this.
i help women get pregnant, stay pregnant and have healthy babies naturally: https://fertilitywhisperer.substack.com/p/a-brief-look-at-the-history-of-traditional
i help women get pregnant, stay pregnant and have healthy babies naturally: https://fertilitywhisperer.substack.com/p/a-brief-look-at-the-history-of-traditional
I’d love to find my IVF fairy, only problem is I can’t bring myself to talk about it with anybody. Just the other day my sister in law who has two children was talking about how they COULD have a third but didn’t want to, adding that my in laws (husband's parents) would love another grandchild, all the while knowing that I suffer from endometriosis and probably can’t have children myself. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, I just painfully nodded along and kept quiet. The hurt, resentment and sadness constantly welling up inside me.
Rage, disbelief, oil slick of horror. When I discovered my husbands 7 yr infidelity, instead of familiar and solid terrain, I found myself sinking into quicksand in every conceivable way. My rescue came in the form of 2 women who I could only call friendly acquaintances. They too had been dragged to the ‘upside down place’ and having salvaged their sanity and strength, paid it forward to me. Two years on, with good days and bad days, the unpeeling of 25 years continues. These sentinels continue to listen, lead by example and provide unflinching support at all hours. My guardian angels
I believe in fairy's. I have a breast cancer reconstruction fairy who came and visited me showing me her re-constructed boobs. It was such a help having never imagined I'd be in the same position. She's known very fondly in our house as double D deb as she elected to have bigger boobs following a mastectomy. She was just wonderful and super positive and supportive. Having got the t'shirt I'm a bcr fairy myself - flashed by boobs at several others since! It's good to share and I know how helpful it is. Well done Emma you're fab
I’m lucky enough to have two of my closest friends who have also been through IVF. We all have our own unique health issues of course, but the shorthand in conversations, not over explaining the difference between medicated and natural transfers, blastocysts, pessaries and injections... it’s easy and comforting. One of the two has had a beautiful boy, now 6mths, and the other is half way through her first pregnancy. Our friendships, as a result of our infertility, adapt and bend and change shape. I’m trying not to feel like the girl playing catch up but sometimes that’s hard. Like any friendships, they shift through the times, but our IVF fairies are a very special breed x
Thank you for bringing this often hidden misery of infertility into the open. Wishing you luck and sending warmest wishes.
I have a private/anonymous IVF Instagram account to document my “journey” with infertility and support others. It was a lifeline during some dark days and I am very friendly with some of the girls who I was in touch with during the time I had an ectopic pregnancy. Two girls in particular were having miscarriages at the same time and we messaged a lot for several weeks, checking in with each other. Happily, we all have had a baby since those dark days but in the midst of it, you never know if it’s going to work out or not, and even though I have my babe in arms now, those times will never be forgotten.
Secondary infertility - endometriosis- partner low count - and nine years we tried- one marvellous son - now 22 - five to six rounds of ivf in top London clinic while working full time - so my advice looking back is you get through it- but in a way really take extra time to enjoy your one and only while you try if that happens - time goes so quickly and try to relax