Thank you so much for sharing your story Caroline. It resonates so closely to our experiences, I feel overwhelmed to actually read that others have made the same decision as we did and that living with that decision continues to be bittersweet for us, and for others, particularly my parents who continue to grieve about lost grandchildren and that we won’t experience the same joy that they do from their children. Deep down I am content with our decision, it was and is right for us. That doesn’t mean I don’t catch my breath or shed a tear because of it but also we embrace our life because of it. Thank you.
Caroline, thank you for writing about your experiences. We 'gave up' trying to have children ten years ago after eight years of IVF and miscarriages. It has taken many years for us to come to terms with the life we have and to love it for what it is, and we do, but it has not been easy. I have often looked for a voice - someone who tells this story and very rarely found it, so thank you. It is a story not often told. You have written with honesty and this is so helpful - to me, and I'm sure, many others. I wish you so much luck Caroline, and to all of the other women and couples not able to have children. Rebecca x
Caroline, I had the privilege of meeting you at Rutland Water Parkrun a while back. It was a meeting of no more than 15 mins, but you're ripples definitely reached out to me, so much so, that for no particular reason I thought of you today, looked you up, and found this very moving article. I had no idea of course that at the time of our meeting, you and your husband were most likely at the peak of enduring your personal difficulties. I'm sorry now that I came along with little more than trivia to share with you whilst you must have had so much more on your mind.
We did share a common like of sayings, phrases & slogans. I directed you to Simon Sinek, and I can see now through your amazing business, how clever you are with meaningful words.
I'd like to send you all my love, and a virtual biscuit if I may-The text reads:
"There is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you've had enough" Thank you for a memorable but all too brief encounter. Rupert.
Count me in as a fellow traveler on the road to a life without children of my own. Thank you for sharing your experience of letting go of motherhood. I think the reason so few of these stories are out there is that people are generally only interested in stories that triumph over hardship. It’s unfortunate that acceptance of a negative outcome isn’t viewed as its own type of triumph, because it can most definitely be a successful outcome on a personal journey to overcome disappointments and difficulties.
What an amazing article from an incredible lady, that I am sure will be words of comfort to so many people. I read this in your voice, Caroline! You are an inspiration and are so loved!
What a beautifully written article, so insightful and hopeful. I’m sure this will be really helpful to many. A must read, regardless of where you are in the fertility/infertility journey.
What a beautiful & honest account of your experience of the pain & grief of infertility that doesn’t (or won’t) get talked about. I am childless not by choice & although I never did IVF, the pain of making the decisions around my health & happiness were exactly the same. Some days the grief is triggered by various things but I try to find the beauty & luck in what I do have as opposed to what I don’t. Thank you.
Lovely Caroline I’m so proud to call you a friend. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly; although I’ve heard you tell it, it felt raw and painful. And yet you chose to find joy. You’re my inspiration xx 💜
I resonate with this so much. After around 7 years of trying to conceive, I reached that point of needing to move on around age 45. At 51 now, I'm happier than I've ever been. I came through the other side of a deep, dark tunnel of grief and yes, as you say, found myself softer, wiser, and more compassionate on the other side. This journey has taught me so much about saying yes to the life that's actually happening. I believe each of us has a path, but it's not necessarily the one that lives in our head. I've learned to trust that I'm where I'm meant to be, and my life is no less meaningful or joyful than those on the path of motherhood. Thanks so much for sharing your story 🩷
as 28 when my endometriosis spiralled out of control. I almost lost my life and overnight I lost my fertility. What can I now say over 40 years later about my childless life? Firstly, the children you don’t have grow up. Expect to be kicked in the solar plexus over the years when the milestones of parents' lives happen to your friends. You will learn to turn away or to smile - not always genuinely -when people show you photographs of first days at school, prom dresses, graduations and grandchildren. Things may not turn out the way you expect. My first husband and I parted when without children we wanted different things. My second husband never wanted children but is incredibly sympathetic to my loss.
I’ve got used to being a genetic full stop. It helped enormously that twenty years later my sister had two children and my nieces are very important to me. I have been able to do things I would never have been able to do with children. I’ve never had the family/career dilemma. I've travelled.
Looking back now, what can I say that might help?
Recognise what you have lost and what you have gained. Your imaginary children might be perfect but in reality family life rarely is. At the time, it was my mother who said the most comforting thing "You die a thousand deaths, and it never stops' - she said of motherhood. You have missed the pleasure of children, but you’ve missed the pain too.
Expect the occasional callous comment, especially from the medical profession. I have learned to live with the assumption that I am childfree by choice. Sometimes I challenge that, sometimes I don’t.
Live a creative life and an adventurous one. Make friends from other generations. Keep in touch with the generation behind you and the one behind that. Don’t become an old fogey. Learn to love the life you have and take the opportunities that it presents.
I want to say it gets easier and looking back over 40 years it does. It won’t go away however. Just don’t ever let it define you.
What stands out to me is that you didn't start trying until you were 30. I had a frank discussion with my sister yesterday about this. Both of us only had 1 kid and we wanted more but it never happened....we both also started at 29 and 30 respectively.
Our parents and their entire generation (boomers) told their kids to dive into careers and college and don't worry about marriage and kids until we were "on our feet". This was horrifically bad advice. Really terrible. The cold, hard truth is that you are very very fertile at 18 - 19 - 20 and not nearly so at 30, *especially* if you haven't given birth by then.
Honestly, my son is 11 and super athletic but I can't play with him properly because I am 42 and my body is worn out from my blue collar work so I am almost more of a grandpa to him than a dad. If I had had him at 20, he would be an adult by now, and I might actually *be* a grandfather. I would be so happy to be a grandfather. Because I waited so long, it may never happen or I will be too old to take my grandson hunting or fishing like my grandfather did for me.
Don't wait. Marriage and kids are for the young, our biology screams that at us, it's so obvious. Stop telling your kids to wait. That's bad advice. You can always pursue a career or education on the back end, but your fertility can't be delayed, so do that first.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Caroline. It resonates so closely to our experiences, I feel overwhelmed to actually read that others have made the same decision as we did and that living with that decision continues to be bittersweet for us, and for others, particularly my parents who continue to grieve about lost grandchildren and that we won’t experience the same joy that they do from their children. Deep down I am content with our decision, it was and is right for us. That doesn’t mean I don’t catch my breath or shed a tear because of it but also we embrace our life because of it. Thank you.
Caroline, thank you for writing about your experiences. We 'gave up' trying to have children ten years ago after eight years of IVF and miscarriages. It has taken many years for us to come to terms with the life we have and to love it for what it is, and we do, but it has not been easy. I have often looked for a voice - someone who tells this story and very rarely found it, so thank you. It is a story not often told. You have written with honesty and this is so helpful - to me, and I'm sure, many others. I wish you so much luck Caroline, and to all of the other women and couples not able to have children. Rebecca x
Thank you for such a beautifully written article that resonates so deeply. This will be so helpful to so many ❤️
Caroline, I had the privilege of meeting you at Rutland Water Parkrun a while back. It was a meeting of no more than 15 mins, but you're ripples definitely reached out to me, so much so, that for no particular reason I thought of you today, looked you up, and found this very moving article. I had no idea of course that at the time of our meeting, you and your husband were most likely at the peak of enduring your personal difficulties. I'm sorry now that I came along with little more than trivia to share with you whilst you must have had so much more on your mind.
We did share a common like of sayings, phrases & slogans. I directed you to Simon Sinek, and I can see now through your amazing business, how clever you are with meaningful words.
I'd like to send you all my love, and a virtual biscuit if I may-The text reads:
"There is a difference between giving up, and knowing when you've had enough" Thank you for a memorable but all too brief encounter. Rupert.
Count me in as a fellow traveler on the road to a life without children of my own. Thank you for sharing your experience of letting go of motherhood. I think the reason so few of these stories are out there is that people are generally only interested in stories that triumph over hardship. It’s unfortunate that acceptance of a negative outcome isn’t viewed as its own type of triumph, because it can most definitely be a successful outcome on a personal journey to overcome disappointments and difficulties.
What an amazing article from an incredible lady, that I am sure will be words of comfort to so many people. I read this in your voice, Caroline! You are an inspiration and are so loved!
What a beautifully written article, so insightful and hopeful. I’m sure this will be really helpful to many. A must read, regardless of where you are in the fertility/infertility journey.
What a beautiful & honest account of your experience of the pain & grief of infertility that doesn’t (or won’t) get talked about. I am childless not by choice & although I never did IVF, the pain of making the decisions around my health & happiness were exactly the same. Some days the grief is triggered by various things but I try to find the beauty & luck in what I do have as opposed to what I don’t. Thank you.
Lovely Caroline I’m so proud to call you a friend. Thank you for sharing your story so honestly; although I’ve heard you tell it, it felt raw and painful. And yet you chose to find joy. You’re my inspiration xx 💜
I resonate with this so much. After around 7 years of trying to conceive, I reached that point of needing to move on around age 45. At 51 now, I'm happier than I've ever been. I came through the other side of a deep, dark tunnel of grief and yes, as you say, found myself softer, wiser, and more compassionate on the other side. This journey has taught me so much about saying yes to the life that's actually happening. I believe each of us has a path, but it's not necessarily the one that lives in our head. I've learned to trust that I'm where I'm meant to be, and my life is no less meaningful or joyful than those on the path of motherhood. Thanks so much for sharing your story 🩷
as 28 when my endometriosis spiralled out of control. I almost lost my life and overnight I lost my fertility. What can I now say over 40 years later about my childless life? Firstly, the children you don’t have grow up. Expect to be kicked in the solar plexus over the years when the milestones of parents' lives happen to your friends. You will learn to turn away or to smile - not always genuinely -when people show you photographs of first days at school, prom dresses, graduations and grandchildren. Things may not turn out the way you expect. My first husband and I parted when without children we wanted different things. My second husband never wanted children but is incredibly sympathetic to my loss.
I’ve got used to being a genetic full stop. It helped enormously that twenty years later my sister had two children and my nieces are very important to me. I have been able to do things I would never have been able to do with children. I’ve never had the family/career dilemma. I've travelled.
Looking back now, what can I say that might help?
Recognise what you have lost and what you have gained. Your imaginary children might be perfect but in reality family life rarely is. At the time, it was my mother who said the most comforting thing "You die a thousand deaths, and it never stops' - she said of motherhood. You have missed the pleasure of children, but you’ve missed the pain too.
Expect the occasional callous comment, especially from the medical profession. I have learned to live with the assumption that I am childfree by choice. Sometimes I challenge that, sometimes I don’t.
Live a creative life and an adventurous one. Make friends from other generations. Keep in touch with the generation behind you and the one behind that. Don’t become an old fogey. Learn to love the life you have and take the opportunities that it presents.
I want to say it gets easier and looking back over 40 years it does. It won’t go away however. Just don’t ever let it define you.
All the best.
My apologies. Cutting and pasting this deleted the ‘I was 28…' at the beginning and frustratingly for some reason I can’t edit it.
Very moving and beautifully written. I completely agree that we don’t hear this perspective enough. IVF still fails more often than it succeeds.
Thank you Caroline, and I can vouch that your biscuits are both gorgeous and delicious! X
What stands out to me is that you didn't start trying until you were 30. I had a frank discussion with my sister yesterday about this. Both of us only had 1 kid and we wanted more but it never happened....we both also started at 29 and 30 respectively.
Our parents and their entire generation (boomers) told their kids to dive into careers and college and don't worry about marriage and kids until we were "on our feet". This was horrifically bad advice. Really terrible. The cold, hard truth is that you are very very fertile at 18 - 19 - 20 and not nearly so at 30, *especially* if you haven't given birth by then.
Honestly, my son is 11 and super athletic but I can't play with him properly because I am 42 and my body is worn out from my blue collar work so I am almost more of a grandpa to him than a dad. If I had had him at 20, he would be an adult by now, and I might actually *be* a grandfather. I would be so happy to be a grandfather. Because I waited so long, it may never happen or I will be too old to take my grandson hunting or fishing like my grandfather did for me.
Don't wait. Marriage and kids are for the young, our biology screams that at us, it's so obvious. Stop telling your kids to wait. That's bad advice. You can always pursue a career or education on the back end, but your fertility can't be delayed, so do that first.
Thank you for your beautiful words. The grief of childlessness so often misunderstood and ignored.
Thank you for sharing 🤍 This is a really beautiful piece and I honestly feel like it can apply to any disappointments life brings.
What a beautiful and brave piece of writing.