I love a holiday game. Give me a deck of cards and I’m on the rummy every night - assiduously keeping my winning tally. Usually against my husband, equally as ardent, regardless of the sea view competing for our attention. Scrabble is another favourite but I can’t be doing with the travel version. Life is too short for those mini letter magnets and I need the full size to lean into my lexicon - so it doesn’t always get a look-in due to limited luggage vibes.
Thanks Emma for sharing. I’m in a slightly different situation. No children, never been pregnant, multiple unsuccessful ivf rounds after years and years. Always eaten well, exercised blah blah. We are currently on our last round because we decided we can’t face another. I went through a terrible stage of comparing myself to others who had children and were pregnant when I was out and about. Then all my mates (including the ones doing ivf) got pregnant and now I’m the last one left. The impulse to count and compare with others who have children is crippling. But one thing, which helped, which you touched on is that - even if externally another’s situation makes me envy them, internally there was sometimes something going with them, which made me reflect on what I count as my blessings (my husband, my dog, my interesting job, my family). That is not to downplay how I feel or the bad luck we have had, but to think of all the things that I am grateful for is what keeps me sane. Ps I hope you had a lovely holiday xx
I don’t think I have ever, ever felt as seen or understood as I did reading this article. I thought I was alone in this hideous yet compulsive self sabotage. We have a daughter, but lost our son at 22 weeks due to a late miscarriage. His due date was yesterday, which was when my best friend delivered her baby. The unfairness of it all is so overwhelming when we compare, yet I can’t stop doing it no matter how many times I point out that I know better… thank you for writing the hard truths and sharing your experiences.
After an ectopic pregnancy and having my son through IVF, I had similar thoughts while trying for a second baby. The hardest thing for me was when (well-meaning but insensitive people) thought I was greedy for wanting another child, I should be grateful to have had one and be done with it. For me the huge blessing of having my son wasn‘t enough. I felt there was another baby for me, and I was harshly judged for this by people who had several kids or who had one because they only ever wanted one. It was my fertility doctor, a kind man and a father of three (I counted!) who said it didn’t matter whether it was your first or second or sixth child, each time the desire to have a baby was to be treated equal. I felt very respected and understood. I went on to have my daughter, with three unsuccessful attempts at IVF and a second very traumatic ectopic pregnancy inbetween. Sometimes I look at my two children, now 15 and 10, and it feels like there is one missing. I still wonder what he or she would have looked like, been like. I count my blessings but I still count children too. Love to you Emma!
I used to play another tortuous counting-game in my late 30s/early 40s. If I read an article/interview that mentioned a person’s age and the age of any children, I would do a quick calculation of how old the person was when they got pregnant. It would either fill me with hope that I still had time. Or fill me with despair that I was already older than they were when they got pregnant. And I never told anybody about this self-harming game until now. Thank you for creating this space.
I am 65 and an only ‘child’ with no cousins, aunts or uncles. It has always been a huge problem for me and, like you, feel a huge ‘hit’ in my stomach when my friends talk about their siblings, nieces , nephews etc. So, it’s not always childlessness which can cause issues. I am fortunate in having two adult children, but lack of any extended family hits hard too. Good luck Emma.
I still stagger people with my ability to identify pregnant people, even those who haven’t chosen to share the news yet. It was all the hyper-alertness to anything and everything related to early pregnancy. I was torn between being so smug for being right but so pained because it wasn’t me. It was just a whole new skill I didn’t need!!! Xx
A few things that occur to me from my life experience, I had my children very easily for which I’m of course beyond grateful but I would say that there are advantages and disadvantages to all age gaps, ultimately children are individual and whether they are close or not as children (or I think perhaps more importantly as adults) has little bearing on age gap. Mine are close in age which brought other issues and sadly they are not particularly close now as adults in their late 20s. They are also 11 years younger than one set of cousins and 11 years older than other cousins on Dads side, so no closeness there - as was the car for me growing up too. However growing up they were and still are close to good family friends who we spent a lot of time with - god sisters and brothers if you like. I’m adopted as my mother suffered multiple miscarriages and it I think largely destroyed her so I entered adulthood knowing full well that a journey to motherhood was not always easy or indeed achievable- I think in more recent years her psychological issues would have rendered her unsuitable for adoption. Whilst I cannot say what I’d have been like if I’d experienced loss as she did I hope I would have made different choices to avoid history repeating itself. Families come in all shapes and sizes and life throws all kinds of curved balls, as you say who knows what those other families in the beach have or will experience.
Oh the game! I know it all too well. Haha. Many a time have I found myself with tears streaming down my face while I continue to play it. From personal experience, airports are the worst/best for it. X
I have a different counting game. Working out how old I/my husband/my parents will be at the various milestone birthdays of my yet to be conceived child. Sometimes I find it reassuring, but other times it feels like it might trigger a panic attack!
After 2 failed attempts of treatment and the hope of each month passes it gets harder each month. We havant been on holiday abroad for a long time but I work in a nursery and ive lost count, each time a parent tells us they are expecting again or a Co worker gets pregnant or a family member either his or mine. Ita so hard. We have no children yet been trying for 4 years and it does not mater if u have one child and trying for a 2nd fertility problems are hard no mater what.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry to hear you’re caught in the bump/sibling spotter game. Fellow player here! My last miscarriage happened when we were on a family holiday, in a family resort, surrounded by families with multiple kids and pregnancy bumps aplenty. I felt like the most bitter person, watching them play with (seemingly) not a care in the world. A few months on, I can spot a pregnancy bump from a mile off and am always playing the game before I can even realise it. I’m lucky enough to have a wonderful therapist who reminded me - bump spotting is your mind’s way of bracing you as you navigate your way through a world of emotional landmines. While that outlook hasn’t stopped it, it has helped me to see it as something that is (supposed to be) helpful! (Would still quite like to quit this bump spotting game that I never signed up for though!)
An honest portrayal of your experiences and feelings Emma. And you rightly perceived things are not what they seem; objectively noting that everyone has a backstory that’s not apparent on the surface.
Thanks Emma for sharing. I’m in a slightly different situation. No children, never been pregnant, multiple unsuccessful ivf rounds after years and years. Always eaten well, exercised blah blah. We are currently on our last round because we decided we can’t face another. I went through a terrible stage of comparing myself to others who had children and were pregnant when I was out and about. Then all my mates (including the ones doing ivf) got pregnant and now I’m the last one left. The impulse to count and compare with others who have children is crippling. But one thing, which helped, which you touched on is that - even if externally another’s situation makes me envy them, internally there was sometimes something going with them, which made me reflect on what I count as my blessings (my husband, my dog, my interesting job, my family). That is not to downplay how I feel or the bad luck we have had, but to think of all the things that I am grateful for is what keeps me sane. Ps I hope you had a lovely holiday xx
I don’t think I have ever, ever felt as seen or understood as I did reading this article. I thought I was alone in this hideous yet compulsive self sabotage. We have a daughter, but lost our son at 22 weeks due to a late miscarriage. His due date was yesterday, which was when my best friend delivered her baby. The unfairness of it all is so overwhelming when we compare, yet I can’t stop doing it no matter how many times I point out that I know better… thank you for writing the hard truths and sharing your experiences.
After an ectopic pregnancy and having my son through IVF, I had similar thoughts while trying for a second baby. The hardest thing for me was when (well-meaning but insensitive people) thought I was greedy for wanting another child, I should be grateful to have had one and be done with it. For me the huge blessing of having my son wasn‘t enough. I felt there was another baby for me, and I was harshly judged for this by people who had several kids or who had one because they only ever wanted one. It was my fertility doctor, a kind man and a father of three (I counted!) who said it didn’t matter whether it was your first or second or sixth child, each time the desire to have a baby was to be treated equal. I felt very respected and understood. I went on to have my daughter, with three unsuccessful attempts at IVF and a second very traumatic ectopic pregnancy inbetween. Sometimes I look at my two children, now 15 and 10, and it feels like there is one missing. I still wonder what he or she would have looked like, been like. I count my blessings but I still count children too. Love to you Emma!
I used to play another tortuous counting-game in my late 30s/early 40s. If I read an article/interview that mentioned a person’s age and the age of any children, I would do a quick calculation of how old the person was when they got pregnant. It would either fill me with hope that I still had time. Or fill me with despair that I was already older than they were when they got pregnant. And I never told anybody about this self-harming game until now. Thank you for creating this space.
I am 65 and an only ‘child’ with no cousins, aunts or uncles. It has always been a huge problem for me and, like you, feel a huge ‘hit’ in my stomach when my friends talk about their siblings, nieces , nephews etc. So, it’s not always childlessness which can cause issues. I am fortunate in having two adult children, but lack of any extended family hits hard too. Good luck Emma.
I still stagger people with my ability to identify pregnant people, even those who haven’t chosen to share the news yet. It was all the hyper-alertness to anything and everything related to early pregnancy. I was torn between being so smug for being right but so pained because it wasn’t me. It was just a whole new skill I didn’t need!!! Xx
A few things that occur to me from my life experience, I had my children very easily for which I’m of course beyond grateful but I would say that there are advantages and disadvantages to all age gaps, ultimately children are individual and whether they are close or not as children (or I think perhaps more importantly as adults) has little bearing on age gap. Mine are close in age which brought other issues and sadly they are not particularly close now as adults in their late 20s. They are also 11 years younger than one set of cousins and 11 years older than other cousins on Dads side, so no closeness there - as was the car for me growing up too. However growing up they were and still are close to good family friends who we spent a lot of time with - god sisters and brothers if you like. I’m adopted as my mother suffered multiple miscarriages and it I think largely destroyed her so I entered adulthood knowing full well that a journey to motherhood was not always easy or indeed achievable- I think in more recent years her psychological issues would have rendered her unsuitable for adoption. Whilst I cannot say what I’d have been like if I’d experienced loss as she did I hope I would have made different choices to avoid history repeating itself. Families come in all shapes and sizes and life throws all kinds of curved balls, as you say who knows what those other families in the beach have or will experience.
Oh the game! I know it all too well. Haha. Many a time have I found myself with tears streaming down my face while I continue to play it. From personal experience, airports are the worst/best for it. X
I have a different counting game. Working out how old I/my husband/my parents will be at the various milestone birthdays of my yet to be conceived child. Sometimes I find it reassuring, but other times it feels like it might trigger a panic attack!
After 2 failed attempts of treatment and the hope of each month passes it gets harder each month. We havant been on holiday abroad for a long time but I work in a nursery and ive lost count, each time a parent tells us they are expecting again or a Co worker gets pregnant or a family member either his or mine. Ita so hard. We have no children yet been trying for 4 years and it does not mater if u have one child and trying for a 2nd fertility problems are hard no mater what.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m sorry to hear you’re caught in the bump/sibling spotter game. Fellow player here! My last miscarriage happened when we were on a family holiday, in a family resort, surrounded by families with multiple kids and pregnancy bumps aplenty. I felt like the most bitter person, watching them play with (seemingly) not a care in the world. A few months on, I can spot a pregnancy bump from a mile off and am always playing the game before I can even realise it. I’m lucky enough to have a wonderful therapist who reminded me - bump spotting is your mind’s way of bracing you as you navigate your way through a world of emotional landmines. While that outlook hasn’t stopped it, it has helped me to see it as something that is (supposed to be) helpful! (Would still quite like to quit this bump spotting game that I never signed up for though!)
An honest portrayal of your experiences and feelings Emma. And you rightly perceived things are not what they seem; objectively noting that everyone has a backstory that’s not apparent on the surface.